Boundaries are common in everyday life situations, personally and professionally, we all demonstrate boundaries.  Sadly, a lot of people lack good healthy boundaries and as a result, create unhealthy habits and behaviours, thus leading to mental health issues and low self-worth.

Boundaries is a topic that frequently arises in my practice.  Often when exploring boundaries with clients, we generally see that strong boundaries are lacking in various aspects of their lives.  Many people know what the word boundaries means, but they have no concept of what healthy boundaries looks like.  Once a person understands how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, they are more likely to avoid the negative self-talk, and emotional responses that coincide with their decision making.  Understanding how to set healthy boundaries is essential to maintaining healthy relationships, being respected, and building self-confidence.

Boundaries can be complex and inter-changeable, throughout our personal and professional lives.  Some boundaries can be rigid with minimal flexibility others are almost non-existent.  Some are used in only certain areas of life whereas others can over-lap.  It is not unusual for a client to tell me that they do or say things, not to please themselves but to please others on the receiving end.  This might be to avoid conflicting situations or to keep the other person on the receiving end happy.  I often hear a client describe themselves as a ‘people pleaser’ or say, “I just want them to like me” or “I do it just to keep the peace.”  These behaviours are not sustainable and will eventually impact someone’s mental health and well-being.  This may present in the form of low self-confidence, anxiety, depression, anger and resentment, abuse and/or relationship issues.

With rigid boundaries you may tend to:

• Avoid close relationships
• Ignore others input or opinions
• Have little regard for other people’s problems
• Keep people at a distance in fear of criticism or rejection

With loose boundaries you may tend to:

• Find it difficult to say “no” to others
• Seek to please others around you for fear of conflict or rejection
• Overshare personal information
• Accept things even when you do not want them
• Do what someone else wants even if it goes against your values or beliefs

Changing unhealthy boundaries to healthy boundaries takes time and effort, good self-awareness, and self-reflection.  It is worth it though for a good healthy balance in life and good self-esteem.  Healthy boundaries are about what you will accept from others and what others will accept from you.

Someone with healthy boundaries will:

• Share personal information appropriately
• Recognise someone else’s needs and wants
• Accept and understand when someone says “no”
• Listen to someone else’s input
• Have a better understanding of their own needs and wants and have the confidence to communicate them

It is not uncommon for us to have mixed boundaries. This might mean having strict professional boundaries but not so strict personal boundaries or vice versa.  Some might even have rigid boundaries in some areas of life and loose boundaries in others.  We are all different and therefore display different levels of boundaries.

Types of boundaries:

We all practise boundaries in all aspects of life, this might be in the workplace, at home, in the community, or through our relationships.  There is no limit to where and how we display boundaries.

• Physical – personal space, your privacy, and your body
• Emotional – respecting and honouring feelings
• Sexual – expectations relating to consent, intimacy, touching, comments, and respect
• Intellectual – thoughts, beliefs, values, ideas, and opinions
• Material – items and possessions
• Time – understanding your priorities and allowing enough time for them
• Financial – saving, spending, and borrowing money

Maintaining healthy boundaries:

People come to me for help and support for various reasons and I can assure you, unhealthy boundaries are frequently part of the presenting issue.

Constructing healthy boundaries will involve more than just talking about it.  Altering unhelpful boundaries to boundaries that demonstrate a clearer outcome involves self-reflection, and a commitment to making change.   This will include reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.  It’s important to understand why good boundaries are essential to enhancing your emotional well-being.

Sometimes this whole process may become overwhelming, so starting small is key to a positive outcome.  The assistance and support from a counsellor can be beneficial to clients, encouraging and guiding them to navigate through ways of making positive sustainable change to behaviours and negative thinking, thus building confidence and self-worth.  Sometimes people can be confused by what healthy boundaries looks like and how to enforce them in both personal and professional situations.  It is better to set boundaries from the beginning, by doing this everyone knows where they stand, and it eliminates feelings of hurt and frustration.  Consistency is crucial for health boundaries, as it ensures that boundaries remain clearly established and lines don’t become blurred.

It is important to understand that boundaries will vary, depending on the type of circumstance and setting.  You probably won’t set the same boundaries in your professional life as you would in your personal life however you will generally apply similar fundamentals and then build on this.

Communication is crucial when it comes to setting healthy boundaries, especially where there are fewer boundaries in place or no boundaries at all.  If your internal dialogue is negative and you are your own worse self-critic, then setting boundaries can be difficult.  A lot of it comes down to what is important to you, your values, self-worth, and self-respect.

It is important to have a healthy level of thinking about boundaries otherwise it can be harmful to mental health and impact emotional well-being.  No need to overthink it, just trust your gut instinct and go with what you feel is right for you.  In addition to setting your own healthy boundaries, it is imperative to be mindful of the boundaries of others, whether you agree with them or not, it is about being respectful of them anyway.

You can contact me here to make a booking if you would like some support with improving your mental health and wellbeing.