What is shame?

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion, one that is controlling and almost always remains hidden, rarely revealing itself, as it has the power to cut deeply to a person’s core. It is an emotion that will be experienced by all of us at one time or another. To identify shame, we generally need to tap into our self-awareness around the shame and this isn’t always easy to do. There can also be a level of anxiety associated with seeking help for feelings of shame, in fear of having to disclose the shame and its place of origin.  Talking about shame can cause discomfort, feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, or unworthiness.

Interestingly, unresolved shame can lead to a host of harmful or destructive behaviours and mental health challenges including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.  If left untreated shame can spiral into low self-worth and self-loathing, thus causing a fear of being judged, criticised, or rejected by others creating an inability to self-love or function normally.

Shame has also been known to cause some people to engage in self-harm tendencies or experience suicidal ideation. It is the internal voice that keeps reminding us of all the negative things about ourselves, such as being unlovable, or undeserving. Shame is the emotion that ties into our underlying sense of self, an emotion that no one wants to feel or talk about. That critical voice that can be persistent and considerably undermine a person’s capacity to change and grow. It can be paralysing, demeaning and can interfere with how we see ourselves and our lives, thus having the power to control our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

What are some of the potential causes of shame?

There are a range of potential causes of shame, some that are short-term and can be associated with a particular experience or event where a person may believe that they have behaved in a dishonourable or disrespectful way. It can also be attached to experiences that a person may have originated from childhood where there is little or no power to change the situation.

Whatever the experience, a negative or critical self-assessment can result in shame, occurring when a person fixates on apparent flaws, errors, and negative traits rather than their strengths, abilities, or positive characteristics.

Shame can appear in:

• Childhood trauma (eg: sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, or neglect)
• Mental health disorders
• Growing up in a house where it was shameful to display emotions
• Protecting family secrets
• Family of origin
• Rejection from others
• Abusive relationships (eg: being subjected to constant criticism)
• Being bullied at school

It is important to note that like other emotions, shame comes naturally to us all, it is when it becomes severe and controlling and impacts daily life, that it creates a problem.

Potential negative impacts of shame:

• Inability to trust others
• Physical and mental health problems
• Social withdrawal and isolation
• Low self-worth and low self-esteem
• Coping addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex)
• Being bullied or bullying others
• Feelings of being flawed or weak
• Perfectionism or overachievement
• Not having a voice or opinion in case of saying something wrong
• People pleasing
• Compulsive or extreme behaviours

Overcoming shame:

Shame is not easily overcome, especially when it is part of who we are and how we see ourselves, sometimes we are unaware of the impact shame has on our lives. There are various ways of responding to shame, thus reducing the impact it generates.

My suggestions:

Acknowledge that there is a problem:

This isn’t easy given shame can present as ambiguous, i.e., presenting as low self-esteem, anxiety, or low self-worth. But having the courage to admit that something isn’t right, is the first step towards making positive change.

Recognise the signs:

Try to be mindful of when you are feeling those pangs of shame, what you are feeling in your body and what you are thinking at the time. We do this by tapping into our self-awareness, interrupting the self-criticism and negative thinking and try to recognise the shame. As with any negative emotion, with practise, we can then reprogramme our thoughts and self-talk and learn new ways of dealing with the shame.  If this seems too hard, seeking professional help through counselling would be ideal, as a therapist will guide and support people through this process.

Practice self-compassion:

Self-compassion involves becoming more familiar and attentive to one’s inner needs and wants, feelings and thoughts, rather than putting the needs and wants of others before our own. It is about being kind to ourselves and tapping into that inner self-critic with a more gentle and compassionate voice. Nurture yourself and allow yourself to have a good balance in life.

Getting help:

Shame is not easy to recognise but it is treatable, seeking professional help can be extremely beneficial for navigating through unwanted thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.  Sharing personal shame requires a level of courage, acceptance, and vulnerability and this can be quite daunting for some. With guidance and support the outcome can be very positive and healing. Through therapy, clients will learn how to tap into their feelings and critical self-talk via the self-awareness process. Self-awareness is key to the therapeutic practice, helping clients to create an understanding into their underlying issues associated with shame and other emotions they may be experiencing, recognising when feelings of shame are present, thus building a more effective way of coming to terms with the shame and creating healthier coping skills and lifestyle choices.

You can contact me here to make a booking if you would like some support with improving your mental health and wellbeing.